My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize