dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
