Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
