I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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