I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Boobs are out for the taking
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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