This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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