Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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