I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
