I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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