when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
