Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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