Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
