Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
