the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
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I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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