god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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