I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
that may or may not have been my penis.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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