My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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