The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
