Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
