apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
