wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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