dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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