I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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