i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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