Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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