Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
