i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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