bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
