The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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