My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
