i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
