i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
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There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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