last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
