she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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