I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Who died my cat blue again?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
