Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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