the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
