Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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