Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
