Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
