Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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