it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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