Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
