Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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