The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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