The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
