Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
