ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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