Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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