he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
