Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
