I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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